The Vampire's Lament

It's not always a bloody good time...

People seem to admire Vampires,
But they've no idea what it requires.
Flying as bats?  Eternal life?
Yes, but you're not accounting for strife.

Italian food, yes?  You love it so?
For Vampires, that cuisine's a no-no.
A nice bolognese, meaty and thick?
Not when it comes with fresh garlic!

We get stressed too, and we need a break!
It's hard dodging things that can be used as a stake!
But no restful beach with oceans to splash.
Not when the sun can turn you to ash.

And how can I know if my cape is on straight?
Or if I look tired, unkempt or look great?
How do you tell if you're a mess or perfection
When, in a mirror, you have no reflection?

And yes, it is cool to walk on the ceiling.
I must admit it's a really cool feeling.
But it is a chore when your wife expects,
Out of the corners, you to clear all insects.

"But you can turn into a bat, and fly far away!
Soaring the skies!  That's cool!" do you say?
Yes it is nice to float on the breeze,
But you must be careful to avoid rabies.

I used to go out with friends to play some darts.
I'd paint with long brushes, dabbling in art.
But long pieces of wood with sharp, pointed tips?
These are activities that I now must skip.

And try finding a dentist that can see you at night.
Who, when they see fangs, don't run off in fright?
And, on this, you have my assurance-
It's tough to find one that accepts my insurance.

"And eternal life? How is that bad?"
It's usually not considered as sad.
And I don't want to come across as bitter,
But there is something you didn't consider.

I'll say something now, and you'll see it's the truth.
Eternal life's different than eternal youth.
My problem is this, and I'm sure you'll then see,
I wasn't a Vampire til I turned 83.